Q. Doesn’t your teaching encourage divorce? Wouldn’t we better off with the traditional view?
A. The same question may be phrased this way: Isn’t it dangerous to teach grace? Wouldn’t we be better off telling our members they’ll go to hell if they sin? Doesn’t grace encourage sin?
In short, the wisdom of God is that grace, combined with the influence of the indwelling Spirit, will do more to prevent sin than all the condemnation we can possibly visit on our members. Grace frees but grace also strengthens and encourages and helps us obey. I don’t really understand it, but I’ve tried it both ways, and on the whole, the grace-filled Christians live far holier lives than their legalistic brothers.
Besides, as Christians have a divorce rate just as high as the world’s, I don’t see how we can do much worse.
Q. Okay, but won’t couples be less likely to divorce if they are taught the sinfulness of divorce?
A. Absolutely. And in my own teaching I repeatedly make the point that violating the covenant of marriage is sin — and a very serious sin indeed.
I’ve known a few very shallow people who divorced casually, like cancelling a book club membership, but these people are uncommon, very self-centered, and very far removed from a Christian worldview. The overwhelming majority of people who undergo a divorce are not happy about it, tried to prevent it, and deeply regret that it ever happened. Of course, some married very, very poorly and celebrate their divorce! But most agree with God in hating divorce.
We can’t manipulate people into staying married. Rather, we have to carefully balance the need to remove some people from marriages that are highly destructive — even life threatening — with the need to encourage people to make every effort to make the marriage work. And when we find ourselves balancing such a thing, we always do best to speak in gracious, reconciling terms, not absolutist, authoritarian terms.
Q. Just when has a husband or wife so violated the marriage covenant that the other spouse is “put away”?
A. A marriage may be ended when a spouse “puts away” the other spouse, when the marriage vows are so violated as to constitute the moral equivalent of adultery or fornication. Sometimes, the facts cause the marriage to be ended. Other times, they only justify ending the marriage.
For example, if a husband abandons his wife, leaving no forwarding address, the marriage has ended. However, if the husband cheats on his wife and wishes to repent, the wife may certainly choose to keep the marriage in effect or she may end it.
I would not presume to make an all-encompassing list of events that so violate the marriage covenant as to permit a divorce. The Bible does not speak in particulars, and so neither should I. However, the failure of a spouse to provide material support (food and clothing) or emotional support and sexual relations (marital rights) would certainly seem good grounds — if they are sufficiently severe.
Unlike the Pharisees of old who provided rules as to how often a husband and wife must have sex, depending on the man’s occupation, I will not go that far. But 1 Corinthians 7, Genesis 2, and Exodus 21:10-11 all emphasize the importance of sexual relations in a marriage. Similarly, what constitutes adequate support is less than certain.
“Fornication” refers to more than adultery. If a wife attempts to seduce a man not her husband, she’s guilty of “indecency” in the Deuteronomy 24 sense of the word, and Jesus would surely accuse her of “adultery.” Just so, any sexual relationship with someone other than a spouse is clearly included within the word.
Recall also that intentional shaming of a spouse was held by the rabbis to violate Exodus 21:10-11, and cruelty is as antithetical to marriage as anything could be. It’s the very opposite of the relationship commanded in Ephesians 5:22 ff. No one has to achieve the ideal marriage, but persistent efforts to hurt your spouse, emotionally or physically, is rebellion against both the marriage covenant and the Lordship of Jesus.
The point, you see, is not to seek the line at all. Rather, if the couple struggles with such issues, except in extreme cases, they don’t have grounds for divorce immediately. They are obligated by love and their commitment to Jesus to seek outside help (think of Matthew 18:15 ff for the spirit of the rule) and to try to work through these problems. We are to be reconciling people. We are peacemakers. And most couples innately understand this and don’t need to be told.
If a spouse is looking for a way out on a technicality, that spouse is in the same spiritual condition as those Jesus condemned in Matthew 5:31-32. You can’t use God’s rules to break God’s heart.
Finally, we are never obligated to be stupid. We never tell a woman to return to a wife beater. We never subject children to the risk of sexual abuse or other harm. And we take steps to protect the helpless against the violence as quickly as we can. It is our business, and we don’t have to agonize over the moral consequences of these things. There is never a reason to allow brutality that we can prevent.
