A Baptist Joke and a Contest: The Winner Is …

Dwayne Phillips!

We had a contest to convert the Baptist joke at the earlier post to a proper Church of Christ one. There were several excellent efforts, many of them in the comments below, but this is my favorite.

Jay,  Here goes with apologies to everyone who I offend. Remember, love covers a multitude of sins, and I ask for love.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

A church of Christ preacher is driving across a bridge that spans a deep deep deep dropoff. He slams on his breaks when he sees a man standing on the outside of the railing bending his knees ready to jump.

The CoC preacher jumps from his car, runs, over to the would be jumper, and says, “Wait, brother are you a Christian?”

Would be jumper: Yes, I am a Christian

CoC Preacher: Christian brother, have you been baptized?

Would be jumper: Yes, I have been baptized

CoC Preacher: Baptized, Christian brother, how old were you when you were baptized?

Would be jumper: Uh, I was 14. yeah 14.

CoC Preacher: Baptized at an appropriate age, Christian brother, are you a member of “the church?” You know, the Church of Christ?

Would be jumper: Uh, yeah I suppose I’ve …

CoC Preacher: Great! (interrupted the Preacher) Church of Christ, baptized at an appropriate age, Christian brother, do you take communion with one cup or many cups?

Would be jumper: One cup? I didn’t…

CoC Preacher: Great! (interrupted the Preacher) Many cup, Church of Christ, baptized at an appropriate age, Christian brother, do you read the Gospel Advocate?

Would be jumper: Well, now that you mention it I have…

CoC Preacher: Great! (interrupted the Preacher) Gospel Advocate reading, Church of Christ, baptized at an appropriate age, Christian brother, do you use the Word and Word Quarterly Lessons for Sunday school?

Would be jumper: Well, I guess I don’t go to…

CoC Preacher: Great! (interrupted the Preacher) Word and Word Quarterly, disdaining Gospel Advocate reading, Church of Christ, baptized at an appropriate age, Christian brother, do you condemn to hell all those so called Christian groups who invite Brian McLaren to speak?

Would be jumper: Brian who?

CoC Preacher: Great! (interrupted the Preacher) dismisser of Brian McLaren and all those apostates who listen to him, Word and Word Quarterly disdaining Gospel Advocate reading, Church of Christ, baptized at an appropriate age, Christian brother, do you see Rubel Shelley as a saint or Satan incarnate?

Would be jumper: I have heard of that Rubel fellow, but I don’t…

CoC Preacher: Great! (interrupted the Preacher) knower that Rubel Shelley is Satan, dismisser of Brian McLaren and all those apostates who listen to him, Word and Word Quarterly, disdaining Gospel Advocate reading, Church of Christ, baptized at an appropriate age, Christian brother, do you hold to the premillennial, amillennial, or postmillennial view?

Would be jumper: What? I’ve never heard of … what were those three things?

CoC Preacher: Please hold on fellow knower that Rubel Shelley is Satan, dismisser of Brian McLaren and all those apostates who listen to him, Word and Word Quarterly, disdaining Gospel Advocate reading, Church of Christ, baptized at an appropriate age, Christian brother, I’ll be right back.

At this point, the preacher ran to his car, grabbed a huge book containing the King James, American Standard, Revised Standard, and New International Versions of the Bible (but not The Message paraphrase) and ran back to the would be jumper.

In the next hour and a half, the preacher went through scripture from Genesis to Revelations, always citing the correct version of each particular verse, the Patristics, church history from 300 to 1800 AD (AD mind you, not CE), and the writings of the Restoration Fathers up to now showing the unqualified incorrectness of the premillenial thought.

The preacher did not pause for a breath.

In the next hour and a half, the preacher then went through scripture from Genesis to Revelations, always citing the correct version of each particular verse, the Patristics, church history from 300 to 1800 AD (AD mind you, not CE), and the writings of the Restoration Fathers up to now showing the unqualified incorrectness of the amillenial thought.

The preacher did not pause for a breath.

Just before the preacher was about to go through scripture from Genesis to Revelations, always citing the correct version of each particular verse, the Patristics, church history from 300 to 1800 AD (AD mind you, not CE), and the writings of the Restoration Fathers up to now showing the unqualified correctness of the postmillenial thought, the would be jumper interrupted

Would be jumper: Do you believe this mill, mill, millnial item is really important?

CoC Preacher: Why yes, it is a fundamental foundation of everything we believe.

Would be jumper: Do you believe people who have an incorrect belief on this mi, mi, mill something or other are going to hell?

CoC Preacher: Why yes, knower that Rubel Shelley is Satan, dismisser of Brian McLaren and all those apostates who listen to him, Word and Word Quarterly disdaining, Gospel Advocate reading, Church of Christ, baptized at an appropriate age, Christian brother – it is a divider of heaven and hell.

Would be jumper: Wait a minute, preacher.

At this moment, the would be jumper climbed over the railing back to the safety of the bridge.

Would be jumper: I’ve changed my mind. Can I borrow your car? I’m going to nearest mosque I can find as fast as I can. I’m converting to Islam.

THE END

Honorable mention goes to Steve Shoemaker —

It’s show and tell day at the Eisenhower Elementary 4^th Grade class.  Risking her career, the teacher encourages students to bring something for show and tell that symbolizes their core values or belief system.

A boy named John heads to the front of the room and pulls a picture out of his backpack.  He says, “I’m Jewish.  This is the Star of David and is s a symbol of my religion.”  He then sits down.

Next a little girl named Anna comes forward.  She removes something from her pocket and says, “This is a rosary and it’s a symbol of my Catholic religion.”

Finally a boy named Pete moves to the front of the room and carefully pulls a large tin tray out of a paper sack and says, “I go to the Church of Christ, and this is a green bean casserole.”

Co-honorable mention goes to Jerry Starling —

“Christian,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Protestant or Catholic?”

“Neither,” he said.

“What then?” I said.

“Undenominational,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Undenominational Christian Church or Undenominational Church of Christ?”

“Undenominational Church of Christ,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Multiple cups Undenominational Church of Christ or One Cup Undenominational Church of Christ?”

“Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or Non-Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?”

“Bible Class, Multiple Cup undenominational Church of Christ,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Premillennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup Undenominational Church of Christ or A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?”

“A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Non Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?”

“Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or Holy Spirit dwells only through the Word, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?”

“Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Praise Teams in worship, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No Praise Teams in worship, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?”

“Praise Teams in worship, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Praise Teams standing before the congregation, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or Praise Teams seated in the front pew, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?”

“Praise Teams standing before the congregation, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ” he said.

“Me too!” I said. “Singing during the Lord’s Supper, Praise Teams standing before the congregation, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No singing during the Lord’s Supper, Praise Teams standing before the congregation, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No Singing during the Lord’s Supper, Praise Teams standing before the congregation, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No singing during the Lord’s Supper, Praise Teams standing before the congregation, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ?”

“Singing during the Lord’s Supper, Praise Teams standing before the congregation, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ or No singing during the Lord’s Supper, Praise Teams standing before the congregation, Direct indwelling of the Holy Spirit, Institutional, A-millennial, Bible Class, Multiple Cup, Undenominational Church of Christ,” he said.

“Auugghh!!! You heretic!” I said. And I pushed him over.

Finally, Donald offered up an oldie but a goodie —

A thirty year old man, took a corner too fast in his coupe, suffering fatal injuries. But being a Christian all his life and knowing that “to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord”, he eagerly awaited meeting the Lord face to face. Upon arriving at the indescribable pearl gates he was greated by none other than Peter.

“Welcome!” Peter said. “I know you’re excited to be here and the Lord is eager to see you face to face, but first things first. I am in charge of giving all newcomers a tour. So follow me and be prepared to be amazed.”

Peter led the young man on a breathtaking tour of heaven, walking the streets of gold and showing him every thing from majestic stones to the tree of life. He even showed him his beautiful residence which the Lord had prepared for him, but the man had not yet met any other souls since arriving.

Finally, Peter said, “It’s time to show you where all the peoples of the earth are gathered to praise and worship.” So Peter led the man down a vast hall with doors on either side. He opened the door to show the man a multitude of people singing praises to God. “These souls here are largely Baptist in number.”
“Amazing!” the man thought to himself. He was a Baptist, too so he mentally noted which door he was at, hoping to come back and find some family members who’d preceded him. Next Peter led him further down the hall to another door. “These are mostly evangelicals.” The door opened and people were there praising God and really getting into it, lifting their hands and jumping up and down. “Wow!” the man thought to himself, “What a joyous group of people.”

From there Peter began to quietly tip toe down the hall. Though feeling somewhat ridiculous, the man followed his Peter’s cue. “He is Peter,” he thought to himself. Finally, they reached the end of the vast hall and Peter pulled the man closely and whispered in his ear. “This next door I’m about to open….you must be very, very quiet and not make a sound.” With a puzzled look he asked “Who are these souls behind this door that we should be so quiet?” “Well, we just don’t know how to tell them, ” Peter said. “Tell them what?” the puzzled man asked. “Well,” Peter said “these are from the Churches of Christ and they still think they’re the only ones here.”