It’s Friday! Halloween Candy Cursed! (And Why Alabama’s Victory Over LSU Is Certain)

OK… I’m a little late on this one… but did you know that Halloween candy is secretly cursed before it’s sent to your local grocery store?  And we know this is true because it was found on a blog put out by the Christian Broadcasting Network!  (Well, at least it was at one time… it’s now been taken down; but you can get the cached page here).

That’s what BibleBeltBlogger found out in this story. Here’s an excerpt:

You may ask, “Doesn’t God have more power than the devil?” Yes, but He has given that power to us. If we do not walk in it, we will become the devil’s prey. Witchcraft works through dirty hearts and wrong spirits.

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

Even the colors of Halloween (orange, brown and dark red) are dedicated. These colors are connected to the fall equinox, which is around the 20th or 21st of September each year and is sometimes called “Mabon.” During this season witches are celebrating the changing of the seasons from summer to fall. They give praise to the gods for the demonic harvest. They pray to the gods of the elements (air, fire, water and earth).

(Thanks to Todd Rhodes at MMI Weblog. Emphasis added.)

Okay. First, of all this, this report is from the Christian Broadcasting Network, so it has to be true. Christians wouldn’t lie!

So now you know why we have Fall Festivals instead of Halloween Carnivals and why our kids must dress up as ladybugs and lambs rather that witches and ghosts. But, you know, I didn’t know that the witches worked through the power of orange, brown, and dark red. Really? It makes SO much sense now!

I mean, I’d always suspected the candy of being cursed. Just look at my wasteline! You see, it’s not my fault!! It’s those *&%^*^* witches. Yes, it is!

And this explains my feelings toward Tennessee Volunteers football team (color: orange, very much a Halloween color) and Auburn (blue and orange: classic Halloween coloration).

CRIMSON is light red and not to be confused with dark red.

I always knew God was on Alabama’s side, but now I know why!

And take Southern Cal (please!) — now those uniforms are clearly witch-cursed. How else to explain that loss to Washington? And the hiring of Kiffin and Chizik by Tennessee and Auburn? Surely these are the deeds of a coven of witches. What rational explanation could there be?

It all finally makes sense!

So how do I get the witches to curse LSU? Purple and gold. Hmmm …. GOLD! It’s another witch-cursed fall color. The witch-free, God-favored Crimson Tide is sure to beat the bewitched Bengal Tigers of LSU! I’m so excited.

(And I have to tell the children’s minister about banning fall colors in next year’s HalloweenFall Festival. She’ll be thrilled I’m sure.)

(I sure hope our players haven’t eaten any witch-cursed candy! I’d better call Coach Saban. I mean, Terence Cody could probably eat enough candy to curse the whole team!! I’m sure I’ve got Coach on speed dial somewhere …)