Thought Question: On Dying Well

What do you do when you find out you’re going to die? I think it’s a good question because, you know, you are. Me, too. Death is pretty much inevitable.

But we live in a society that fears death. We go to church and mouth the right platitudes about “victory over death” and “O, death, where is thy sting?” and yet we can’t bear to think about it, much less to talk about it. We fear death. Maybe not as much as non-Christians, but few of us are looking forward to it. Not really.

As a result, we are generally unprepared for death when it comes — suddenly or slowly. And we rarely get to pick.

Rob Moll, author of The Art of Dying: Living Fully into the Life to Come, gives some suggestions —

One-third of households, or 66 million Americans, are providing long-term care for a family member. They spend most of their time assisting with bathing, dressing, using the bathroom, and doing housework. The work is tiring, and the financial cost can be crippling. Adding all of this care to the stress of an ordinary life is a tremendous burden.  Here the church must stand ready to lend support in physical ways to the caregivers, providing vital respite and encouragement for this arduous task.

If you think about it, we have this un-Christian thought that the care of the terminally ill is solely the duty of the physical family. The church doesn’t get involved until the funeral, as a rule.

But the caregiver needs help and support long before the funeral comes — by taking over at times to let the family members have a respite, by taking on some of the burdens, such as housekeeping for the ill and for the caregivers, by providing meals (not just after the funeral), etc.

The more aggressive the treatment, the more painful and more difficult a death is likely to be. The church can be active here by learning and teaching Christian views of dying well. A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that people died more poorly after being advised by their pastors, mostly because they were urged to pursue more treatment. Instead, the church can promote spiritual faithfulness in anticipation of life with God.

I’ve known many people with cancer. Some have tried every experimental procedure possible and suffered greatly for their efforts. The Bible does not teach that the preservation of life is the highest good. Some Christians teach that, but it’s just not in the scriptures. Faith in Jesus is the highest good, with love for others shortly behind. Indeed, the two are intertwined virtues and not at all separable.

In fact, that idea that life is the highest good only makes sense if death is the greatest evil. But for Christians, death has been defeated. And so the whole argument doesn’t even make sense — for a Christian. We’ve taken a worldly, secular attitude and added some goldleaf and red letters to it. But it’s just not biblical.

Faith does not fear death, and love does not ask others to suffer for the sake of living longer. We try to prove our love to our dying spouse or relative by insisting that they live as long as possible. And yet this is often not at all the loving thing to do — not when viewed through the eyes of faith. If we really believe that we go to a better place, why put a loved one through hell to avoid going to heaven? Why not give them the blessing of a family that doesn’t resent their leaving.

I have arthritis. I understand pain better than most people. I can easily see where death could be preferable to life for someone in chronic, severe pain (not saying that I feel that way about myself presently — just that I understand it). And yet, preachers, spouses, and children often demand that the sufferer suffer some more rather than letting nature (and God) take their course. God has a plan, and the plan includes death — a death that we should not fear.

Somehow, we’ve turned our fear of death and fear of not seeing our loved ones again into a a doctrine of prolonged suffering — keeping loved ones away from the balm of heaven. Why?

Taking care of these earthly concerns allows us to then focus on the image of Christ, Luther says. Jesus did this as well when, from the cross, he asked his disciple to care for his mother. Because arranging our financial and personal affairs always involves other people, including those within the church, it also also provides an opportunity to set our relationships in order.

Offering forgiveness to others, saying goodbye, and completing relationships are important steps in preparing to die.

Making a proper estate plan, dividing belongings among children, and putting things in order is important for those left behind. Some people leave behind a business with no succession plan, which quickly fails and bankrupts the family. Some leave the kids to fight over the inheritance. Love does not behave this way.

I’ve know people who had enough notice of death to do a few things before dying they always wanted to do. It may be a trip or a gift to charity. You know, it’s better to give the money away while you’re still alive so you can enjoy the gift and the recipients can enjoy saying thank you. It’s a blessing to them to get to say thanks, you know.

What else have you all learned about how to die well? And do you disagree with what I’ve said?