The experts say that something like 30% of Christian pastors and ministers will, at some point in their careers, succumb to sexual temptation.
It’s a shocking figure, but I think it’s about right. I have many friends in the ministry who’ve made this mistake. Some lost their wives and families, all lost their jobs, and some have left the ministry never to return.
The grace of their wives and the church has allowed some to return to full-time ministry. All have had a long, difficult path toward healing. The pain caused by these men to the women they seduced, the women’s families, to their own families, and to their churches, as well as to themselves, has been incalculable.
Prudent elderships have sexual accountability policies in place. Many insurers require a written policy to prevent sexual abuse (generally, adult abuse of minors), but prudent leaders also want to protect ministers against their own weak moments. Even if not illegal (and hence not a concern to your insurer), any sexual impropriety by a minister is devastating to a church, and steps toward prevention are essential.
Just as is true of embezzlement, it’s only the people you implicitly trust that let you down, because it’s only apparently trustworthy people who are put in these positions. If you decide whether to adopt a sexual accountability policy solely based on whether you trust the minister, well, you’ll never adopt a policy because you’ll never have a minister on the payroll you consider untrustworthy.
Thom Rainer offers a list of 7 Warning Signs. Click the link to read Rainer’s comments on each warning sign.
Though the conversations are both sad and tragic, I do learn from them. And after dozens, perhaps a few hundred, of these conversations, I see patterns. These patterns become warning signs for any of us, lest we be so naïve to think we have no vulnerabilities.
Because the conversations were informal, I cannot say for certain which among them were the most frequent warning signs. So I provide them in no particular order.
“I neglected my family.” …
“I had no system of accountability.” …
“It began in counseling.” …
“My co-worker and I began to confide in one another on a deep level.” …
“I began neglecting my time in prayer and daily Bible reading.” …
“He or she made me feel so good about myself.” …
“It began on a trip together.” …
In an earlier post, I offered some suggestions for a sexual accountability policy for ministers. Don’t wait until an accusation is made to put one in place.
These seven “warning signs” don’t really seem too much like warning signs. The warning signs appear to be more of “reasons why” or “how” or “patterns” seen after having conversations with the fallen pastor and after an affair has occurred. How would you know they are neglecting their family? How would you know if it began in counseling? How would you know they are neglecting their personal study and prayer time? How would you know if someone is making them feel good about themselves? If you are looking for warning signs one should start looking before not after an affair has occurred. Being a “spiritual detective” comes from the Holy Spirit’s gift of discernment. Maybe talk with some specialist in the therapy and counseling area on looking for warning signs.
In addition to heterosexual extramarital affairs or episodes I’m convinced a surprisingly high number of ministers (in all denominations) struggle with hidden homosexual orientations. Speaking from my own mistakes, when anyone has not integrated their sexuality into their life in a realistic and sustainable way it’s a time bomb that is likely to go off sooner or later. Even if chastity or faithfulness is maintained there will likely be signs such as depression or an unexplainable sadness.
They may be warning signs but not causes. David in the OT fell when he got off the battle field and sat around on his roof looking at Bathsheba. It is much harder to fall when we remain engaged in the fight. No one just accidentally finds themselves in sin.
Everyone loves attention/worship, even God demands it.
I have been involved with a large, dynamic congregation where this happened. At the heart of it was a lack of accountability. Two co-pastors, but really one was in charge. Elders were good people but were mainly trustees, all being shepherded by this leader. When questions arose about things that made some members uncomfortable, the senior pastor asserted his personal power, declaring certain people to be “under my personal covering”, which turned out sadly NOT to be a metaphor. What was sad was that all the structure was there: elders had theoretical authority over the pastor and a larger church in the area had “oversight” over the lot. Turned out that none of this was real or personal in that pastor’s life and that he was entirely on his own. The group staggered but survived the fallout; but it was never the same. Long before this sad event, I asked these two “co-pastors” who they were accountable to. Their response was that “we are accountable to each other”. Which is the answer I get from every CoC eldership. Now THERE is a warning sign.
Jay said: “…the pain caused by these men to the women they seduced…”
I’d say you’ve got that about exactly backwards the majority of the time.
A predatory man that makes it into upper ministry, in my experience, would be rare. Far more likely is the needy woman that finds a decent pastor to listen to her woes, and she seduces him.
Power doesn’t make you guilty IMO.
Adam and Eve, Samson and Delilah. Who really has the power here? Jdg 16:4 And it came to pass afterward, that he loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah.
JMF probably is more right than wrong, but as mama told me it takes two to dance. And a man that is that weak should not be in a position of authority. It takes more strength to be a Christian than some here think it does.
And I leave you with these few words of Paul; 1Cr 3:23 And ye are Christ’s; and Christ
is God’s.
SO ACT LIKE IT !!
First, there is the self-deception of the ministry exorcizing one’s demons. The myth is that the high spirituality of the religious life will move in to replace promiscuity. But when failure continues into ministry it only hightens the guilt.
Secondly, in spite of the accusations that many evangelical Christians make toward Catholics, that they believe they can do anything they want just as long as they go to mass and confession, there is much of the same attitude among the CoC and other conservative denominations. There is the rationalizing, “Yes, I have a weakness, but I still believe it’s wrong, and I am a faithful member of the church, or I’m born again, forgiven by grace. So I’m not like those of the world who don’t believe it to be wrong”. And of course, likening oneself to David is part of that. I know a couple of preachers who have had affairs in every church they have served; yet, they still see a “difference” between themselves and the liberalism which they claim allows anything.
There are no easy answers. Maybe more direct counseling as to the realities of ministry? I am sure some will say that is being tried already in some schools and churches. But as the second point, becoming a more merciful people I believe is the key. As hard as it is for some Christians to grasp, being a more merciful people does not make us a more “just anything goes” people. What it does is soften our judgementalism to where we become more attuned as to what is actually going on inside ourselves, making our hypocrisy become less tolerable.
Years ago it was discovered that one of our young ministers was suffering from sex addiction which was satisfied with online pornography and regular trips to a brothel (massage parlor). He has since divorced and left the church altogether. Anyway, the mental health professional that was treating him told his wife that sex addiction is also called ‘the Preacher Disease’.
Is this a real threat? Yes! Is it avoidable? Absolutely Yes! The preacher must be humble, vulnerable and open with a few men in the church that have the courage to challenge him.
Simply do not meet with anyone alone. This solves the problem and maintains and protects your reputation and stops gossip.
Easy to do and I know preachers and others that have done this for 40-50 years with no bad effects. Actually members respect you more for taking that stance.
I and many more would not be comfortable with a child of mine meeting with anybody in private. Heck, I’m being too nice, actually, I would not allow anyone in my family to have private “Counseling” meetings with anyone. Why allow the temptation to exist?
Any preacher that would take advantage of a person in a vulnerable position should first have his butt kicked and then run out of town.
JMF wrote,
I can think of only one case where I don’t know for sure who was the pursuer. I can think of several where the minister was clearly the initiator of the improper relationship.
Any preacher that takes sexual advantage of member should be permanently taken out of leadership regardless of forgiveness. It is a trust and a privilege to be in ministry.
Jay, the only cases I know of are preachers taking advantage of members. The worst case is a preacher seducing several young male members. Unfortunately he simply moved on to lead another church.
I suspect that most of us would be astounded as to just how many pews and pulpits are occupied by Satan.
That s one thing I have against mega churches there is just so much room for Satan to push his way in. It is hard to believe but the reason some sexual predators are in churches is because the members are trusting.
Laymond,
Every single sexual violator I know among the ministry — know personally — was not part of a megachurch. I grant you that the megachurches have had some highly publicized sexual violators, but I see no evidence that the rate of ministers who fall sexually is any different depending on the size of the church. There may be a difference, but I’ve read a whole lot of surveys and studies of megachurches, and haven’t see any reason to point fingers at them especially. I think they just get more bad publicity due to being so big. In fact, it’s hard to get real numbers on small churches, since they have no obligation to report to anyone, and often just fire the guy and pray he repents before someone else hires him.
I am not saying anyone would disagree with this, but I simply wish to emphasize the point that ministers who are sexual predators are simply the tip of the iceberg, one that takes up many pews. This problem is one in which many see their own adultery as different from that practiced by those “of the world”. I have stated this before in various ways, but the number of adults who sit in Bible classes, where a husband of one couple is having an affair with the wife of another, yet rant on about how liberalism is destroying this country because it allows anything and everything, is astounding. And it is not, as some might want to suggest, just trying to deflect guilt; it is, after all, a genuine belief that their sexual misconduct, though they know it to be wrong, is a weakness, forgiven by grace through prayer, and is entirely different from that committed by the world and liberals who do not accept such as actual sin.
This particular problem within the CoC, I believe, is the result of a hardness that has come from the pride of law, a law that has been chiseled down to a 3×5 card theology; and grace and forgiveness is reserved for those who believe and practice it well. In other traditions, the attitude is the same, just the areas of emphasis are different. Whereas, if an air of mercy exists within a people, judgement is then constantly softened and reshaped into a tender understanding; one that does not say “everything is allowed”, but one in which we see ourselves in those that our pride would otherwise look down upon. It is then that Christians will cease their boast, “Well, I have a weakness like David”, and in deep humility bow to those outside our walls and whisper, “I am like you”.
I meant to end my comment above by saying that this humility is what keeps us honest with ourselves, an honesty that does not live lightly.
Two points:
First, Ranier writes for church leaders. Thus these warning signs aren’t listed for Joe Christian to use to scrutinize their pastor. They’re for congregational leaders and friends of ministers. Those who are in positions exercising oversight/accountability for others should absolutely be taking the temperature of their people’s bible study and prayer time, the nature of their counseling interactions, and the like.
Second, ministers desperately need friends. I’m sorry, but there is a huge loneliness that opens one up to satanic urges and predation. I don’t mean pals, buddies, or yes-men. I mean friends – someone who will ask the hard questions and loves a person enough to value their well-being more than the friendship. Hard things must sometimes be asked, and I would rather lose your friendship for a season than lose you forever to the evil one.
Nick wrote,
Exactly. Thanks.
Amen. My impression is that the younger ministers have done a better job of connecting with fellow ministers, taking advantage of nearly free long distance, Facebook, etc. While a church’s minister shouldn’t have only a circle of minister friends, it’s a great base on which to build.
When my church interviews a younger minister, it’s pretty clear that he’s connected to fellow ministers across the country through informal networks that the ministers work at maintaining. Older ministers largely seem not to have this, perhaps because, when they were young, long distance was very expensive and there was no Internet. I’m not sure that this can be easily fixed except perhaps by a formal networking structure, such as a university inviting all ministers in an area to spend a weekend together.
But this is just an impression. I’ve not discussed it with any older ministers. (But I will.)
“Simply do not meet with anyone alone. This solves the problem and maintains and protects your reputation and stops gossip.”
Unfortunately, these days, it doesn’t entirely solve the problem, unless it’s applied to every part of the minister’s life, not just his professional life. A few years ago, the congregation where I was worshiping lost an previously-excellent preacher after he reconnected with his HS sweetheart on FB. She didn’t even live in town — she was about 8 hours away. The lies were painful enough as simply a member of the congregation; I can only begin to imagine what his (now ex-)wife and their four daughters went through.
It’s true, no minister, after his fall, ever calculated the fallout from such a destructive sin. Secret sin slays many of us ministers. However, recovery is possible.
I have observed the comments throughout this thread and the “interesting” the take that several have had on this subject. Some comments were borderline judgmental. The word “predator” was used by some and others vented from their own experiences. While this sin, a minister having an affair, might be in a category of its own, the fact is, God chooses to work through these horrible actions in the lives of everyone affected, including the entire congregation. No one is more affected than a minister’s family. We immediately learn that putting our trust in a minister instead of the Lord is often our first mistake. Not that we are asking for a “king” like Israel (I Sam 8) but we all know how often ministers are elevated to a status and level of expectation that no human, but Jesus, could attain. That doesn’t mean we should expect and have high standards of holiness. God wanted to be Israel’s king, but they rejected him as their king. In the O.T. the king was to be God’s representative, much like ministers are His representative…and all Christians are “Christ’s ambassadors,” (2 Cor. 5:20).
And before anyone “jumps” on the statement, “putting our trust in a minister is often our first mistake,” let me respond by saying, ” YES,” we should be able to trust a man of God, it is an absolute necessity! His or her credibility rides on the trust factor, without trust, there can be NO relationship (with God, with a spouse, with a church, a business partner, friends, etc…). Trust is one of the pillars, if not the sole pillar, of all relationships. Think about it, how many relationships do you have in your life where some degree of trust is not found? I’m not talking about your enemies, you pray for them, but you don’t have a real relationship with them. Take trust out of a relationship and what do you have?
However, a much deeper look into the entire biblical worldview helps us to see God in a different way. I have always thought it was incredible (if your theology is that God is omniscient-He knows everything, past, present and future-He knows where I am going to have lunch tomorrow even before I have even thought about Sunday lunch) that God anointed and chose David to be king. Being an omniscient God, He knew full well that one day David was going to violate and transgress, in a horrific way, at least six of the ten commandments. #1 No other gods (David put himself, his needs before God.) #10 Do not covet your neighbor’s…wife). #7 Do not commit adultery. #9 Do not give false testimony-he covered it up and attempted to keep it a secret. #6 Do not murder-the heartless act against Uriah, the husband. #8 Do not steal -David took Bathsheba to be his wife, he stole another man’s “one lamb,” while David himself had numerous wives.
Yet God chose him anyway; to be His representative on earth. Was it the younger David or the older David that was a man after God’s own heart? (Acts 13:22). David remained king (and we certainly would NEVER let a minister remain in any position of authority, not after violating our trust-its time to kick them to the curb…and maybe they need kicking to the curb). David kept Bathsheba as his wife and they had another son, named Solomon through which came the Christ. Can we learn anything from an adulterer and murderer? If not, we better start ripping out many of those Psalms, and while we are at it, we might want to rip out all the Davidic Christology teachings (Matt. 22:42; Acts 2:25-35; 13:32-36). And who can forget Paul’s two O.T. examples of justification by faith in Romans 4? God used a man who would not kill his enemy Saul, but would slice off the foreskins of 200 Philistines for the daughter of Saul (even though Saul’s plan and hope was to have the Philistines kill David) I Sam. 18:2-28. Saul knew then that “God was with David,” “God was with David,” ” God was with David,” (anyone getting that?). David was a man of bloodshed, even Shimei cursed David and threw stones at him because he was a man of bloodshed (2 Sam. 16:5-8).
Did David get away with anything? Absolutely NOT! Anyone who has read the story, and read the Psalms (32,and 51) knows better. Huge suffering!! “My sin is ever before me…” (Ps. 51:3). The death of the baby (innocent like Uriah), the rape of Tamar (his daughter) by his son Amnon, the murder of Amnon by his brother Absalom, the rebellion of Absalom, Absalom laying with David’s concubines “in the sight of all Israel.” Should David have been put to death? (Ask Uriah that question). The lost respect, the inability to pronounce judgment on Amnon and Absalom, (maybe out of his own guilt and shame) the lost respect of the people God wanted him to lead.
Knowing our humanity, David appears to have taken the entire responsibility of the death of his sons upon himself. Death would have been better than that kind of suffering. Yet God chose David anyway, maybe in some part, to give those of us who fall, who do not guard themselves against this temptation, the hope of recovery, the hope of helping others once we have recovered, a new look at grace and a entire new look at God. There is nothing like having to tell your children that you cheated on their mother and lost your job because of adultery. That kind of heavy guilt and shame can only be handled by intense therapy (which takes a lot of work-years) and new understanding of grace, the “undeserved kindness of God,” as Dr. Harvey Floyd use to say. Only those who have walked this path can see, experience and truly know the deep love of God. Some days, it is a struggle just to get out of bed. Years go by and still the haunting memory of what some call “unforgivable” mistakes torture your mind. The lying, the secrets, the cheating, the hypocrisy-just to live another day, just to get through another day, takes all the strength a human being can muster. But the Word is living and active “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, his compassions never fail. They are new EVERY morning, great is YOUR faithfulness…the Lord is my portion…I will hope in him…” (Lamentations 3:22-26). “He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor his anger forever; He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is for the west, so far He has removed our transgression from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him…” (Psalm 103:6-13). His Word truly is life giving!
For those of us ministers who have fallen into sexual sin. Know that recovery is possible. With the pervasive problem of pornography, (#1 secret sin of ministers and Christian men) God has a ministry for you-to walk with others (after your own journey of recovery…which is continual). But you have to go through and walk the journey. God will restore your credibility, you cannot worry about what others say, even those who you betrayed. My humble prayer is that God will not count their anger, hatred, justified resentment, their thoughts of “stoning” against them. When you are responsible for creating those negative emotions in others, you can only pray for God to be the merciful God that he is…and you certainly can’t blame the betrayed for being repulsed by your very name.
Accountability for ministers, YES! Church leaders, get yourselves in gear, minister to the minister, spend time, prayerful time with him. Have him in your home, ask him the pointed questions, “Do you struggle with sexual sin?” Of course most will answer, “No.” (I thought it was ironic the church that fired one minister for a past sexual affair (occurred at least five years earlier, maybe longer) said, “You didn’t tell us about this when we hired you.” To which he responded, “If I didn’t tell my wife, why would you think I would tell you?”).
Secrets are in all of our lives. None of us would want to be judged on our worst day. “There is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open,” (Luke 12:2-3). If “nothing impure will enter, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful..” (Rev. 21:27) then know that God is going to take you to the “woodshed” especially if you are His child, (Heb. 12:7-11). If you don’t deal with it on your own (and why do you think God is being so patient with you-He’s giving you time to go get help) because if you don’t deal with it, He will. There is this painful process of spiritual surgery of “gouging out your eye,” and “cutting off your hand,” that if you are unwilling to do it, He will. And man, is it painful!!
What are abominable and detestable sins to us, might not even make God’s top seven (Pro. 6:16-19). Lying is mentioned at least twice in this text along with “stirring up dissension among brothers.” We need some teaching on lying. You have the born liar, (they will lie just to lie-they always tell you what you want to hear-they actually can’t live without lying). The “protector liar,” (I don’t want to hurt your feelings or it’s better you don’t know this) the “get me out of trouble liar,” (I was on my way to a funeral or to make a hospital visit, please don’t give me a ticket) the “façade” liar, (I want you to think of me this way), the “income tax” liar, the gossip and slander liar, (those who continue to talk about the failures of others even after repentance, godly sorrow, therapy, and holy living has taken place in the life of a sinner) the “white lie” liar. Come on folks-“Be holy for I am holy.” And when was the last time you heard a great sermon on gluttony, the unspoken, accepted sin in American culture, “supersize those fries, please.” Look around in your church and see how many people are hiding their sins, their pains, their guilt by going to the local buffet? We horde food in our freezers and pantry closets, it represents our security and comfort which should be God. Truly, gluttony is an unholy sin against God’s sacred temple, the dwelling of the Holy Spirit, (I Cor. 6:13-20). But they are hurting and are going to food instead of God to relieve their pain. The conclusion, “there is none righteous, no not one,” we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,” (Rom. 3). Nope, you may not want a minister who has struggled with sexual sin, who doesn’t understand that, we all do. But know that God allows events to happen, and works mightily and miraculously through the worst of circumstances (Rom. 8:28).