This is an issue I’m struggling with. For most of my life, I’ve been in denial about it and I have never had a gay relationship. But I am attracted to men. I gave up on dating women because it never lasts and I can no longer go on deceiving whoever my date or girlfriend happened to be at the time. I’m also an alcoholic in early stages of recovery. I think my drinking was a way of escaping from myself. Anyway, I have to be truthful if I am going to have a successful recovery and I am tired of trying to deny that I am gay.
You asked me to keep your name confidential, which I truly understand, and I will honor that request. Sadly, the reason you felt the need to make such a request is a result of sin — not your sin, but the sin of the rest of us.
The church — of all places — ought to be a place where we can safely admit and discuss and support one another as we all struggle with temptation. I mean, the beauty and joy of grace is that the problem of sin has been dealt with by Jesus.
That doesn’t mean that sin is okay. But it does mean that, for those in grace, sin is forgiven. And if it’s forgiven by God, then it must be forgiven by the rest of us. And when we’ve forgiven the sin, it can be admitted, talked about, and coped with.
In your case, where you’ve lived chastely, you wouldn’t even be admitting to sin, but to temptation — which is the nature of us all. Surely the church can be a safe-place for admitting temptation! But the sad reality is that homosexuality is such a taboo that we tend treat the temptation itself is sin — which is tragically, horribly wrong of us straight people.
It’s rather a peculiar thing. I mean, if I admit to my Sunday school class a tendency to lust after pretty women or taking pleasure in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, it’s no big deal. It’s the way God made me, and I’m to be respected for resisting the temptations. However, if a homosexual admits to homosexual temptations despite remaining chaste, we want to declare his urges sinful — anti-natural — while our urges are natural and so quite alright.
It’s the same problem we have in extending grace to others. If we easily sympathize with their error, we feel they should receive grace. If we can’t imagine doing the same thing, we are inclined to deny grace. If I’m not firmly convicted on instrumental music, it’s not a salvation issue. If I’m convinced that the arguments are powerfully persuasive, then I see no reason why grace should apply!
We thus make grace subjective — depending on whether the rest of us can see ourselves doing the same thing. It’s a repugnant, anti-Christian, anti-human attitude.
God’s solution makes much better sense —
(Rom 7:25-8:2) Thanks be to God — through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
In the ideal congregation, we’d have all learned to sympathize with those who are unlike us. I mean, Jesus never sinned, and yet he sympathizes with our sinfulness —
(Heb 4:15-16) For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are — yet was without sin. 16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
If we are to be truly Christlike, we have to learn to feel for those who are different from us. That’s the only way that our brothers and sisters — and the lost — will be able to approach us with confidence as we urge them to approach God with confidence. If we are to show Jesus to the world, to lift him up, we must be like him — willing to associate with prostitutes, publicans, Zealots, adulterers, lepers, and Samaritans — anyone whom society treats as taboo. And be willing to sympathize with their weaknesses.
Now as worldly as we can be, it would be a mistake to stereotype all Christians that way. The Spirit is alive, well, and working in every congregation of the saints — even in those that deny the working of the Spirit! And there are members with hearts filled with compassion. As Nick pointed out yesterday, some don’t even know it, but when confronted with a beloved brother or sister in need, they’ll find themselves well equipped to be supportive and encouraging.
Jesus died to create, not individual Christians, but a church made up of Christians. That is, the church is not merely the set of all saved people, it’s a community. And the defining nature of the community is agape love. We love one another intensely and self-sacrificially. We take up our crosses daily, re-crucifying ourselves in service to one another. And what greater service could we grant a brother in Christ than to help him cope with temptation and overcome addiction?
I strongly believe that churches should encourage their members to form groups that serve to help each other mature in Christ and confront and defeat temptation. There need to be groups of many different types and purposes. We need to group and regroup as necessary to help each other make it to the end.
One necessary type of group is an accountability group of no more than 3 or 4 who meet weekly or so to build each other up, confess sin, and encourage one another in their daily walks. I know many men and women who participate in such groups — and they are very good, very effective things.
I’m not proposing this as a law or necessity — just something to be encouraged and always available to those who need these relationships. Some form informally, as friends get together over breakfast or coffee. Others are structured with the help of the congregation’s leadership.
You are part of a Celebrate Recovery group that is helping you overcome your alcohol addiction. These groups work. However, you only feel comfortable sharing your addictions, not your sexual orientation. But you obviously need a circle of Christian friends with whom you can be totally honest.
You need to find two or three other Christians that you can be honest with and who can help you — not as therapists but beloved brothers or sisters steeped in grace who’ll give you a place to be honest, who’ll love you even when you express your true feelings, and who’ll be there to encourage you and pray for you as you need it. I mean, one of the greatest advantages of being able to be open is it allows others to pray for you.
Start with your minister. For ministers with many years of service, this won’t be his first such conversation. As you say, most congregations have gay members. Ask him to help you assemble a support group of this nature. He will likely know several members who would be glad to help. And he can approach the members confidentially, test their reaction without mentioning your name, and put together a group you can have confidence in.
Obviously, the other members of the group should be people that do not themselves present any temptation toward sin. These groups form intimate emotional bonds, and such relationships can themselves become sexual. Therefore, choose wisely. (This is why there shouldn’t be two-person groups. Three people at a minimum; four is better.)
And if the minister won’t help, then he’s not much of a minister. You might try working through an elder — or change congregations. I mean, to me situations such as this is the very reason God gave us the church, and a church that won’t rise to the occasion isn’t much of a church. But my guess is that your congregation will surprise you.
Jay,
How can we convince our brothers and sisters that ignorance and innocence are NOT THE SAME THING?
To many, acting with grace is just ignoring bad things, or pretending they don't exist. We talked in class this morning about our fallen tendency to avoid things that frighten us, things with which we are unfamiliar, things that seem horrifying or awful. We don't lift them up before God; we just change the channel.
The promises in the latter half of Romans 8 are for the praying community of God. Most times, we only pray for things we can figure out the answers to. Someone is sick, we pray that they "be restored to their most wanted health." Someone loses their job, we pray that they find work soon. If we can't figure out how God should fix it, we generally don't pray about it. But there are other, bigger problems that we don't pray about because we can't figure out the answers. Problems that stem from human brokenness and the futility brought on by the curse. These very problems are what Paul is talking about when he says that when we know not how to pray, the Spirit intercedes for us with unspeakable groans. Creation is groaning. Jesus groaned in the Garden. The Spirit is groaning. We should not be ashamed to groan before our Father for the sake of the world.
On a related note, Roman Catholicism has totally ruined the reputation of the spiritual discipline of confession. However, it is an extremely valuable discipline for those of us who struggle immensely. We who have been forgiven by Christ, who are ambassadors of Christ, in whom Christ dwells, have every right and responsibility to speak HIS words of forgiveness and reconciliation to those whose hearts are too sore and scarred to be comforted by Scripture alone.
Nick,
That's an interesting post. It takes tremendous faith to pray when you aren't sure what to pray for.
You are exactly right regarding the "groaning" — there are times we don't know the words — or even the thoughts — we just need something, and we aren't even sure what it is.
We struggle with confession, partly because we live in the West where our culture tells us self-sufficiency is a part of being an adult and partly because we feel that we'll be judged harshly — which is sometimes true.
Hence, the importance of very small groups where people have a covenant of confidentiality, where we are well-enough known that we'll be judged with compassion, and where support for each other is a given.
Thanks for continuing to address this. I know it's not everyone's favorite topic. I think the way society treats gay people has leaked over in the church (not just our denomination). Gay people are looked at with contempt by most of society. Some people want to kill people or severely beat them up for being born gay. Gay people are persecuted, ridiculed, laughed at, spit at and everything else. So who in their right mind would "choose" to be gay? The answer is NOBODY. You can't choose to be gay anymore than you can choose to be heterosexual. I know a lot of people think that it's a "lifestyle choice". There are debates and scientific studies about whether or not it's nature or nurture. Well, take it from someone who knows for certain, that is me, that it is not a choice. I know I have always been this way since I was little. I chose to deny it because of my strict upbringing and fear of going to hell. I then chose to drink for the next 20 years so I wouldn't have to deal with the truth. Not only that, my brother is gay and my mom's brother is gay. What are the odds of all 3 of us "choosing" to be gay. Sorry for the rant, it's just one thing that really bugs me. I wanted to have a normal life. I wanted a wife and children. It's never going to happen. And I did pray. I have prayed to God for YEARS to take this curse away from me but no, it's not going to happen. And if it's not going to happen then I either have to accept it or live a very lonely life without sex and companionship until I die. I really dont care for either choice.
Concerning accountability, in my Celebrate Recovery group we are on step 4 (confess our sins to God, ourselves, and one other person). We have studied James 5:16 a lot, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with". The Bible tells us to confess to each other not to be forgiven by others, but so that I can be healed and made whole. So I agree with what you're saying. I am going to take that step when I share my 4th step inventory with my sponsor in my CR group. I believe he will listen to my story without judging or condemning. It has taken me a long time to get to the point of doing this.
I tried an accountability group once but of course it was a men's accountability group of people in the singles group and I couldn't stick with it. I didn't want to tell anyone about this or the drinking or anything else. A lot of that is my problem, I guess. I have a great minister where i go to church. He's a very kind, wise, man. He wouldn't condemn me. He would pray for me. The problem in this case is me. I lack the courage because I find it embarrassing and shameful.
Wherever I live, I always go to the most liberal, progressive church of Christ I can find. In these type of churches I think its easier to have the kind of environment where you could talk about these things, if I had the courage. Grace is emphasized, not condemnation. The bitterness that has come out in my writing about the church is the church of Christ of my youth. I don't need to describe it to you. Having said that, there are many gay or gay-affirming churches I could attend where I wouldn't have to be fake and pretend to be something I'm not. I did go to one a few months ago. Talk about culture shock. I don't understand why I have to leave in order to live an honest life, as I have no burning desire to leave the c of C, as long as I can find one that isn't like the "everybody's going to hell" church I grew up in. I'm about to get on another topic so I"ll stop.
Thanks for listening.
You missed the part where Anonymous said “If homosexuality is a sin, why did God make me this way?”
The answer is that it is a sin and he didn’t make you that way, not initially anyway. The cause of desires for things like this is plainly given in Romans 1:25 that men love and worship created things more than God and in verse 28, “And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;” — In your past somewhere, you loved created things more than God and you did not like to retain God in your knowledge, so he gave you over to debase thinking, and I would assume that it was so that someday you might realize the horrible depths that putting him out of mind have brought you to and thus you would repent. Now is that time. Repent and turn to God and be cleansed. Stop making excuses or saying you were born that way and stop trying to excuse evil thoughts as being ok because “they’re just thoughts.” Turn to God in a totally broken and contrite Spirit acknowledging that such thoughts are sin. Until you acknowledge that it is a sin, you cannot be forgiven because God does not allow men to judge him but he judges all men and whatsoever the Law saith (on this sin and others) it saith that all mouths may be stopped before God. (Rom 3:19)
Josh,
Thank you for reaching into my mind through cyberspace and figuring out what is wrong with me. You've done what no-one else has been able to do. You have an amazing gift. Why don't you put it to good use and find a way to stop the war and end world hunger.
Anonymous wrote,
I suppose it depends on what you mean by "gay or gay-affirming." If that means a church that allows gay men and women to openly confess their feelings in a climate of love and support — while helping them live chastely — then by all means, seek out such a church.
But if you mean a church that considers homosexual activity permissible, I'd urge you to flee. As tempting as it surely is, I'd no more want you in such a church than I'd want one of my unmarried sons to attend a church that endorses premarital sex or my married son to attend a church that winks at adultery.
Every church is different, but most progressive churches have the same heart as my own, I think. It is, after all, from the Spirit. And I've listened to several sermons from different preachers around the Churches who share similar sentiments to my own. And so I think your church may be more accepting than you assume.
Please make an appointment to sit down with your minister and tell him everything. I think it'll help you a lot — just knowing that you can have this conversation and still be accepted.
And you are quite right that you need to share this in your Celebrate Recovery program, as you said.
I think these two conversations will be very helpful. I pray they will be. Other readers are also in prayer for you.
I continue to wrestle with the theory that you should announce your nature and struggles to the entire congregation. There are congregations where that would go very well. But not all. It's a topic to address with your minister. You might also ask him the very question you asked me: why don't you ever talk about this? After all, it's relevant, not because it's in the news, but because it's in the congregation.
By the way, I'll continue to address the rest of your email over the next several days, and have more thoughts to share. I just thought the readership would benefit from seeing these thoughts one at a time, rather than trying to take it all in at once in a very long post.
It's an important topic, and I appreciate your pushing me to address it. You see, one reason we don't talk about homosexuality that much is many of us don't really don't what to say. We're not sure how grace and the nature vs. nurture issue all fit together. And so I'm very glad to host that conversation. And I'm glad you've pushed me to think things through myself. Thanks.
"Thank you for reaching into my mind through cyberspace and figuring out what is wrong with me. You’ve done what no-one else has been able to do. You have an amazing gift."
Yes, God has given me the wonderful gift of literacy sot that I could read in his word, Romans 1:25-32 "Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. {26} For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: {27} And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet. {28} And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; {29} Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, {30} Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, {31} Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: {32} Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them."
Anonymous,
I'm committing to praying for you. I don't know how to help you in the best way, but I will ask for God's help for you.
We had a lesson this morning on the conversion of the Ethiopian eunuch. As the lesson was being preached I wrote a not to my wife and said – do you know that an Ethiopian was a black person and a eunuch we would consider to a "Gay" person.
Yet God directed his representative Phillip to go apparently quite a distance in order to save him. Which brings up even more questions – did God direct Phillip to tell him that he should not use an instrument in his singing? Was he to tell the fellow that he should take communion once and only once each week and that on Sunday morning at 10 am? What instructions did this fellow receive other than believe and be baptized?
He may have gotten back to the queen's palace and worshiped where there was a kitchen in the building for Pete's sake! There's just no question that God certainly wasted Phillip's time by trying to save this fellow. First he's "queer" and black to boot, then he probably went off and worshiped in some unholy way and was lost in spite of everything God and Phillip were able to do.
(I do hope everyone, especially Anonymous, recognize my effort at sarcasm )
Yes I do recognize sarcasm. I am the king of it. Thanks for the post….I like the way you think.
Thanks Terry. I don't mean to lay so much on you guys. This is such a huge and complicated issue. I dont even know why I found this blog or wrote to Jay. I never post on blogs, I'm a lurker. But I believe there is a reason for everything.
Jay-
Thanks for your post. A gay church and/or gay affirming are churches were gay people worship, such as Metropolitan community Church and United Church of christ. I did go to MCC once. I don't expect anyone to approve or understand it. I'm just saying I went once because my therapist suggested it. I'm supposed to embrace what I am and come out according to her. Then there's my brother who totally accepted his gayness and has a partner. He gave me a book by Mel White about a man who grew up like me (extremely strict, hell fire and damnation stuff) and then in his adult life couldn't handle the lie anymore and had to face what he was. It's called Stranger at the Gate. It's a good read whether you're dealing with this problem or not. Then there's the AA meetings I go to, which are totally gay. In large cities there are gay AA groups. It's the only place I go where I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.
I probably should have talked to my minister a long time ago. Fear keeps me from doing that. I will be moving to a new city soon so I'll have to find a new church. Not sure what I'll do about that.
Thanks for the prayers
Anonymous,
There is no question that God led you to Jay and this blog. That was my first thought when I read your post. You are here for a reason, because God wants you here.
ALP, eunuch does not mean Sodomite. It means castrated person. In ancient times kings castrated their slaves so tnat they could have no heirs and thus would have to devote their lives wholly to serving the royal family.
Josh is right that "eunuch" means someone castrated. However, there's more to the story than most of us were taught in Sunday school —
(from http://theparson.net/gays.html)
Philip understood that the eunuch's nature was not itself sinful. He could hardly change who he was! And Philip overcame the strong, cultural bias against such people to bring him to the Lord.
It's a great story of acceptance contrary to cultural norms — norms that had been derived from the Law. But it had become a false barrier to fellowship. Jesus overcame it.
PS — the article I'm quoting from was pointed out to me by my brother, David, just this morning.
Thanks for the link above. It was a great article. I like the approach of "You're not OK and I'm not OK either." Gay people are not less OK than other people because their sin is different than your sin. But that's the way the church treats them. What about the chronic liar who is sorry for lying, but does it over and over and over all his or her life. If that person is a faithful Christian, is he going to hell or heaven? He repents and confesses to God but can't stop lying. Or the chronic speeder who drives 10 miles above the speed limit on a routine basis yet the Bible commands us to obey the laws of the land-read passage below. Why do we get to pick and choose what commands to follow? I speed on a routine basis so I'm not judging anyone. My point is the church puts degrees on sin and pick and choose which Bible verses to follow and which ones to ignore. And then they twist verses and take them out of context to justify whatever belief they have, like instrumental music for example. What a stupid thing to fight about with all the problems in the world and all the gay people on the loose.
Yet Romans 13 says "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. 4For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. 6This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. 7Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.
Nancy,
Thank you again for your kind words. God does work in mysterious ways and I'd like to share how and why I stumbled onto Jay's blog. A long time ago when I lived in OKC, I was a member at the much maligned Quail Springs church. I can say this and still be anonymous because no-one there would ever remember me as I tend to stay in the background, plus it was a very long time ago. I heard about the ad and wanted to read more about it and that's how I found this blog. While on the topic, the ad is one of the most un-Christlike things I have ever seen. I could rant about that awhile… but won't. I started reading Jay's blogs and something moved me about his writing. I felt compelled to write to him even though I NEVER do anything like this. So the malicious ad is the reason why I'm here. Kinda strange.
"Philip understood that the eunuch’s nature was not itself sinful. He could hardly change who he was! " (Jay)
Jay, please don't get ridiculous. Of course there was nothing sinful about being castrated. There was no desire attached to it. It would be like having your foot amputated. Is a man whose foot was amputated sinful because he has no foot? No. But a man who has sinful desires is sinful because out of the heart come evil thoughts. Thoughts are sin too.
The prohibition of an eunuch being part of God's people under the Old Testament is just like the prohibition of Leviticus 21:18-21.
Leviticus 21:18-21 "For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, or crookbacked, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken (i.e. is castrated in some manner); No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God."
If a man was lame or blind or had too many fingers or toes, or even a flat nose(!) he could not approach the altar of God in the Old Covenant. Did this mean that having a flat nose was a sin? No, of course not. It was a symbol of God's holiness, that no sin is allowed in his sight and that all men must repent of all their sins, but it was merely a symbol of sin and not a sin. That is, here, because they had a very physical covenant, God was symbolizing sin by physical maladies that were clearly not sin. The point then, of eunuchs and flat-nosed people etc. not being able to approach the altar was that God will not tolerate sin (which these things were merely symbolizing in this highly physical and symbolic covenant). Eunuchs and flat-nosed people being allowed in the New Testament to be God's people is not then (what a ridiculous thought) a basis to excuse and allow a homosexual to go on thinking his homosexual desires are ok and that he can be acceptable to God without acknowledging them as sin and repenting and praying for God's help etc.. Rather, the point is that all men must repent because God will not abide sin, even as Paul says that God "commandeth all men every where to repent" (Acts 17:30)
Yes, Josh I recognize that eunuch does not mean Sodomite, neither in my mind at least, does "Gay". Although I do not like the word and prefer homosexual. Gay has always meant something altogether different to me. The point was that God went to considerable effort in order to save someone we would have condemned and avoided even talking to. To be castrated would have certainly caused effeminate behavior. Even today there are those in the church who hate blacks and homosexuals and effeminates.
I believe that Paul talked of some being eunuchs made so by men and some being born such. Anonymous said he had never acted on his desires but you seem to condemn him anyway. How does that work?
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