More Calvinistic Humor

Which punchline to go with? The Mary/Martha thing? Or the male/female thing? So many possibilities …

(If you’re not familiar with the decretal order controversy, good. It’s so arcane and legalistic that it proves our cultural roots — our personality as a denomination — is found in our Calvinistic roots.*)

* No, I’m not inviting discussion of the merits of infralapsarianism vs. supralapsarianism. I’m falling asleep just typing the words.

Thanks to the Sacred Sandwich, proving that it’s possible be a Calvinist and have a sense of humor — rumors to the contrary notwithstanding.

About Jay F Guin

My name is Jay Guin, and I’m a retired elder. I wrote The Holy Spirit and Revolutionary Grace about 18 years ago. I’ve spoken at the Pepperdine, Lipscomb, ACU, Harding, and Tulsa lectureships and at ElderLink. My wife’s name is Denise, and I have four sons, Chris, Jonathan, Tyler, and Philip. I have two grandchildren. And I practice law.
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5 Responses to More Calvinistic Humor

  1. Randall says:

    I beleive that is one of the better Calvinist jokes I have read. but wait, here's more:

    How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: It was defective from the beginning and predestined to go out.

    How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
    Answer: First the light bulb has to decide if it wants to change.

    How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Answer: None. They like living in darkness.

  2. Jay Guin says:


    Q. How many Church of Christ-ers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. Pick one —

    1. Change??!!

    2. There were no light bulbs in the First Century. The early church used oil lamps, until the Great Apostasy introduced candles, followed by contemporary lighting, known as light bulbs.

    3. That's what we pay the preacher for.

    4. Light bulbs go out but they usually come back on all by themselves. But they have to go forward if they do.

    5. Where's the authority to change a light bulb??

    6. I'd change it, but the last time I did, someone said I was being disrespectful of the memory of the family that bought it, found the old bulb in the trash, and screwed it back in.

  3. Randall says:

    Oh Jay, that's just too funny! I am not sure whether to laugh out loud or cry.

  4. Kepha says:

    Here's one:

    A pastor named Martin Rinkart–
    His flock must have wounded his heart!
    When plague killed half of them,
    He penned his great hymn,
    Entitled "Nun Danket Alle Gott".

    I know that Rinkart was a Lutheran. In fairness to him, he mourned the people whom he buried in droves (including several of his own children). It's just that when I consider how a man who saw the clashing armies of the Thirty Years' War pass through town on several occasions, poverty, and plague could end up writing _Nun Danket_, I feel so ashamed of my own propensity to complain at every little thing.

  5. Tom Forrester says:


    You know the 1st, 2nd and 4th verses to nearly every song in the book.

    You were 18 years old before you knew that "guardguideanddirectus" was not one word.

    You think the offering is part of the Lord's Supper.

    You ever wondered who Ebon Pinon was.

    You can "feel" the "as together we stand and sing" is about to happen and reach for a song book.

    That the scriptural maximum for a sermon is 35 minutes.

    You know the day of miracles has passed, but do believe that a "closing prayer" can turn a worship service into a business meeting.

    You have never been to a church that wasn't named after the street it was located on.

    You think it's okay to have TAPED organ music of the Wedding March but not the organ itself.

    You have never been to a revival, but have attended lots of "Gospel Meetings"

    You think of the sick as being on "beds of affliction"

    You plan to be back at the church building "at the next appointed hour"

    You've ever wondered what would happen if the preacher did not have a "ready recollection of the things that he studied"

    You have been reminded weekly that the collection is "separate and apart from the Lord's Supper"

    That praying in 17th century english is more acceptable

    That if the King James Version was good enough for Paul, it's good enough for us.

    You stay out of sanctuaries, but spend a lot of time in auditoriums

    That some unbiblical terms are not considered adding to the word of God …
    Song leaders, song books, church buildings, pews, pulpit, baptistry, communion trays, collection plates/baskets, communion table, classroom material, announcements, opening/closing prayer, Sunday school, debates, gospel meetings…

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