More Calvinist Humor

Photo from The Sacred Sandwich. It’s not really a Calvinist joke. It’s a church joke — if you can think up a good caption.

Here’re some possibilities —

1. Bob and Harry discovered that even after they’d built a $5,000,000 auditorium, they still couldn’t get far enough away from each other.

2. But the preacher said we’d grow if we’d just build a big-enough auditorium!

3. The preacher decided that maybe that 5 a.m. service wasn’t such a good idea.

4. So …. preaching on baptism every single Sunday doesn’t draw them in like they said it would in preacher school?

5. Well, we couldn’t sing four-part harmony with just two voices, so we thought we’d try some instruments.

6. So maybe we should have talked to more than two members before introducing the instruments?

About Jay F Guin

My name is Jay Guin, and I’m a retired elder. I wrote The Holy Spirit and Revolutionary Grace about 18 years ago. I’ve spoken at the Pepperdine, Lipscomb, ACU, Harding, and Tulsa lectureships and at ElderLink. My wife’s name is Denise, and I have four sons, Chris, Jonathan, Tyler, and Philip. I have two grandchildren. And I practice law.
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35 Responses to More Calvinist Humor

  1. nick gill says:

    CFTF Idol, Hollywood Week!

  2. xray342 says:

    All of the totally-committed, sold-out, rootin'-tootin', true disciples of Jesus that are still faithful to Kip McKean in 2040 as he calls out the remnant (from the "International Disciples of Christ") to start another discipling movement.

  3. Dan H. says:

    That Mrs. Finkleman's problem with gas keeps getting worse and worse.

  4. Dan H. says:

    So when we fired that change agent of a preacher, I said to him, I said, "I think we can get along just fine without all that grace stuff!"

  5. Dan H. says:

    When they told me that any hour for worship other than 10 a.m. was unscriptural I thought they were kidding.

  6. Dan H. says:

    When I said that God was not interested in your mere rote attendance I was not giving permission to leave.

  7. Dan H. says:

    So I said to that liberal multi-cup preacher, sanitation is no reason to make a change. I believe that the Lord will protect us from whatever kind of flu there is.

  8. Dan H. says:

    "That preacher really does have a whiny pulpit voice doesn't he?"

  9. Dan H. says:

    Sometimes I think people over react when James Spann mentions snow.

  10. Dan H. says:

    So I told the eldership , just let me do it my way once, and I will prove to you that people are more flexible than you think!

  11. Dan H. says:

    That's when I told that Reverend Allgood, "if you think my congregation cares that you are having Allison Crouse perform across the street at your church on Sunday morning , you have got another thing coming!"

  12. Dan H. says:

    "I didn't realize it was already the first day of deer season."

  13. Dan H. says:

    So I said "No football coach with an Italian sounding name will draw our church crowd to his old victory celebration!"

  14. Dan H. says:

    So when the elders said we would start having a separate service for gay people who knew everybody would start going to it just to see who would show up.

  15. Dan H. says:

    And I told those other churches, I don't care if you did invite Jay Guin to preach this morning. Our church still doesn't believe in combined assemblies!

  16. xray342 says:

    “I didn’t realize it was already the first day of deer season.”

    This may be the only serious response offered so far. 😉

  17. Jay Guin says:

    One of the best straight-line photos I've ever seen. And there's no humor like church humor!

  18. Pastor Mike says:

    What do you mean, "If you build it, they will come," is not in the New Testament?!?!?

  19. Wherever two or three are gathered in my name, I am in their midst (Mt 18:20) – why strive for more?

  20. Many are called, but only a few are of the elect …

  21. We care for every single one … we could not handle the multitudes anyway.

  22. Brother Brown is best known for not tickling the ears of his congregation …

  23. "… and now to the fourteenth aspect of the Greek pronoun in this third verse of this great genealogy …"

  24. First of all: The Gospel is about truth not relevance.

  25. JMF says:

    "Noah preached for 120 years and only saved eight souls….."

    (I actually heard this used Sunday night to defend diminishing COC numbers)

  26. John says:

    And so, another church "pot-luck" takes it's toll!

  27. Bob Salisar says:

    The pastor called a meeting of everyone who payed their tithe.

  28. Bob Salisar says:

    Or perhaps this is the intermission between the bike blessing and the pet prayer parade.

  29. Bob Salisar says:

    Or maybe when they got ready to partake of the Lord's Supper they realized they only had bread and grape juice handy, so everyone ran home to prepare a big meal and come back.

  30. sid carter says:

    i dunno, maybe the series on eatingin the building has run its' course

  31. sid carter says:

    it's like i always say " it's quality–not quantity that counts."

  32. sid carter says:

    "this is definitely NOT a numbers game."

  33. Jay Guin says:


    Thanks for the punch lines. I had to re-open the old post to remember what "More Calvnist Humor" is, and I got to laugh all over again!

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