I get emails –
Jay,
I have done some counseling with people in the church. One brother in his 60’s told me recently that he had been very unhappy and even miserable in his married life for over 35 years. They stayed married but now his grown children are fairly miserable and depressed themselves. This man told me he wonders if he will go to heaven because he was such a bad father (not abusive or a drunkard, just ineffectual and unhappy). Have we (Christian teachers) led people to believe they would be better off being miserable for 40 years than getting a divorce and going to hell?
I am so blessed to be with someone I could love for many years. But not everyone is so fortunate. Is it right for me to tell someone less fortunate you must remain in this wretched, pathetic marriage for the rest of your life because you made a bad decision when you were a 19 year old? In fact, I haven’t said that , but that is what most church of Christ people believe and if a preacher told them differently it would start a firestorm of trouble.
I usually say something like, “knowing that God wants you to be faithful and happy, what do you need to do for that to happen?” Any further feedback or advice from scripture you or your readers can give me?
Does God want me to be happy?
Let’s start by looking at the assumption: “God wants you to be faithful and happy.” Okay, I’m good with “faithful”; not so good with “happy.” You know, “happy” rarely shows up in the New Testament. The ESV never uses the word at all in the New Testament.
Some have suggested that “blessed” should be translated “happy,” but I’m not convinced. Consider —
(Mat 5:3-4,10-12 ESV) 3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
10 “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Now, in each case, Jesus mentions a person in need of a blessing and then promises a blessing, connected with the word “for.” The blessing of those who mourn is comfort. And what sense would it make to translate (as some would have it): “Oh, how happy are those who mourn!” Are you kidding?
The Moulton-Milligan Vocabulary of the Greek New Testament says regarding “blessed” “in Hebrew thought denotes a state of true well-being.” And I think that’s right. To be “blessed” is to enjoy God’s favor. And, of course, someone who enjoys God’s favor has very good reason to be happy, but may not feel that way. Mary the mother of Jesus was a blessed woman even while Jesus was hanging on the cross, but she certainly wouldn’t have considered herself happy at the time.
Just so, if I’ve lost a friend and I’m mourning, as a Christian I’m blessed to know that I’ll see my friend at the end of time, but I still mourn. I’m blessed but not really happy. I will be happy! But not necessarily now. The happiness that’s promised is eschatalogical — that is, happiness when we leave to be with God. That’s not that same as being happy today.
Or look at it this way: parents want their children to be happy, but good parents often impose serious unhappiness on their children so they can enjoy greater happiness later. I’ve grounded my kids — making them very unhappy — so they wouldn’t grow up to be unhappy jerks. I think God takes the larger view, too.
Yes, God wants me to be happy, but happiness in heaven outweighs any suffering or pain in this life — and sometimes suffering today is needed to receive happiness in heaven. That is, indeed, one of the central points of the Beatitudes.
What makes me happy?
Scientists have recently done considerable study on what makes people happy. I just read an article on who the happiest people on the planet are. Do you know who — which tribe or nation — are the happiest people on earth? It’s the Inuit of Greenland!
That’s right. People who live in the freezing cold, barely eeking out a living on the ice, are the world’s happiest people.
The Masai come in second. They live in Kenya and Tanzania, in east Africa. The Masai raise cattle, enjoy drinking a mixture of milk and cow’s blood, straight from a vein, and live in houses made of dung and urine. And they’re the second happiest people on the planet. Does anyone want to join them?
What do they say are two happiest days of a boat owner’s life? The day you buy it and the day you sell it! You see, I read a book called Stumbling on Happiness
We are very good at knowing whether we are happy, but just awful at anticipating what will make us happy. Will that new boat bring happiness? We guess wrong. New house? New wife? New car? Study after study shows that people make terrible decisions, anticipating that this or that will make them happy, and they’re usually wrong.
That doesn’t mean no one’s happy. It’s just that if we’re happy, it’s often for unexpected reasons.
How many have done something just dreading it only to discover that it was a great time? According to the non-Christian author, there are only two ways to know.
- First, you can try it. But that’s often expensive or impossible to reverse. Leave your wife, and you likely won’t be able to get her back. Buy a big house and you may not be able to sell it for what it cost you.
- Second, you can ask people who have just done it or are in the process of doing it. We tend to romanticize our memories, justifying our decisions, so we remember ourselves as happier than we really were. But if you ask someone who is doing it right now, you’ll get a straight answer — unless he’s too embarassed to admit how badly he messed up.
If you’re wondering whether you’ll enjoy going out with a certain boy, you might ask his last girl friend. If you’re wondering whether you’ll enjoy mission work, ask someone on a mission trip or who just came back. Don’t ask someone who left the mission field 10 years ago. They’ll romanticize their memories.
Christians, fortunately, have a better source of happiness. Let’s read a few verses.
(Psa 16:11) You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
This is a psalm of David. Remember that he spent years living off the land, fleeing from Saul. After he became king, he was shamed by his sin with Bathsheba, and God took the life of their first baby and the lives of his oldest three sons. And yet he gives God credit for showing him how to live and filling him with joy. How can that be?
(Psa 19:7-8) The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. 8 The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
That’s a little surprising, isn’t it? David finds joy in God’s law, his statutes, his precepts, and his commands. I usually think of commands as telling me not to do what I really want to do. But David says joy is found in obedience.
(Luke 10:17) The seventy-two returned with joy and said, “Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.”
Jesus sent 72 missionaries out, telling them,
(Luke 10:4-8) Do not take a purse or bag or sandals; and do not greet anyone on the road. 5 “When you enter a house, first say, ‘Peace to this house.’ 6 If a man of peace is there, your peace will rest on him; if not, it will return to you. 7 Stay in that house, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house. 8 “When you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is set before you.
They left without a penny or even spare sandals, for a very long walk. No hotels. No cell phones. No credit cards. They had to hope someone would take them in and feed them. If not, they’d starve. And they were joyful. Well, it must have been amazing to so trust God that you would take these risks and find that God takes care of you and that your message is heard. Of course, they were joyful. But if you’d asked them before their journey, what would they have said?
Like the rest of us, they were likely idiots when it came to knowing what would make them happy. But working for Jesus on his terms did — but they wouldn’t have known it until they tried it.
(Rom 14:17-18) For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, 18 because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men.
Being a Christian is about “joy in the Holy Spirit.” God says: find joy in the Holy Spirit through serving Christ. How does that work?
It all fits together. God lives in us through his Spirit. This allows God to give us joy as we serve him, using our talents for him and maturing in his virtues. That’s not to say that we’re never be sad or upset. Rather, it’s having God’s joy within us that allows us to see everything from God’s perspective — and gives us the confidence — the faith — to live as God tells us, knowing that his goal is our happiness, but happiness that he gives on his terms — which is much, much better than anything we can accomplish on our own. After all, we’re idiots. (Some of us even buy boats.)
When we were newlyweds, my wife attended a neighborhood Bible study with a bunch of housewives. Several were divorced and remarried. Every single one of them said they wished they’d never been divorced — despite the misery they had endured before the divorce. You see, divorce sometimes leads from one kind of misery to another. It doesn’t always fix things.
Now, I’m not stupid. I know that plenty of spouses are so very bad – wicked even — that a divorce really will make things better. Maybe not great, but better. I mean, if your husband beats you up every Friday night, getting out of the house really will be better for you.
But very often, divorces don’t make things better. It may be because the ex works hard to make your post-marriage life a living hell. It may be for financial reasons. It may be that you have terrible taste in spouses and marry a second spouse just as bad as the first. Or maybe you just can’t bear seeing your children raised in a broken household. There are lots of possibilities. I’m just saying that divorce isn’t always the cure.
No, there is a very real value in treating marriage as a covenant before God, because it forces spouses to work to make it work. And that often produces much better results than a divorce — not always, but often. And when the church leadership and righteous friends get involved to help the spouses grow up, learn to serve, and break bad habits, sometimes things get very good indeed. My congregation has many an almost-divorced couple that found happiness without a divorce.
You see, the skills you have to learn to make the second marriage happy are the very same skills you have to learn to make the first marriage happy. And if both spouses are motivated to learn and to grow, the first marriage can often be not only saved but blessed. Indeed, sometimes the first marriage can be happy.
Again — I’m not saying that every marriage can be saved. Often times, one spouse is simply unwilling to even try. But two motivated people who were once deeply in love can usually pull it off — if their friends and church leaders will help.
Jay, thank you for this evolving post. I am personally in a marriage where I think I could be happier if it was over but, because of the convenant relationship before God, I made a decision years ago that I would make it work. Divorce was not and is not an option.
God has blessed that decision. No, things in my marriage aren't great but my attitude and love toward my wife have improved. The situation has pushed me to learn patience and agape love much more than I ever would have in any other situation. We've made it 21 years through God's grace and his Spirit.
There is no doubt that God's ideal is one man and one woman united for life. Of course the fact that God's ideal involves flawed people complicates the matter. You would think that two people, who are Christians and are submissive to the Lordship of Jesus, could make it work. I believe that to be true. But, I have known couples who both claim to be devoted to Christ but are still unwilling or unable to make their marriages work.
I learned the hard way that I can only control me, I can't control my spouse. My first marriage ended when my wife had a brief affair, had terrible guilt, and for decades could not forgive herself or accept God's forgiveness or mine. All of the promises I thought I could claim if I was a godly husband, all of the tears and sleepless nights, and all of the prayers for many months, did not heal a broken union. I not only lost my wife, I lost old friends, ministry, and dignity. I hate divorce!
We know what God's will/ideal is for many situations but for some reason it seems that only MDR is the one area where we refuse to cut people any slack. Often, certainly not in every case, there is an innocent person. Yet, the ugly truth is we usually treat both parties pretty badly.
Our response to the marriage problems, and even the divorce of brothers and sisters we worship with every week, should reflect our submission to the Lordship of Jesus shouldn't it? Aren't we just as sinful as the divorcing couple when we respond with rejection, cutting remarks, gossip, and even slander?
How do we reduce the divorce rate in our churches? By requiring couples to have weeks of premarital counseling. By teaching all of our people how to walk in the Spirit vs. living by the flesh. And by creating a culture that warmly invites couples or individuals who are struggling in their marriages to come talk about it with church leaders who will not condemn or just quote scripture, but who will listen, help bear their burden, and pray for them until the matter is resolved.
Our usual way of dealing with divorce and impending problems with marriages is to ignore them except for gossip and condemnation and then to treat them as trash once the marriage has ended. How does that reflect on Christ to a watching world?
Royce
It may seem a bit cold to recommend a book. But "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley hits the concepts Jay and commenters discuss here very well with practical ways to make marriage feelings work. The concept within the title was a major eye opener for me several years ago.
My wife and I reached the 30 year mark recently. We have had our peaks and valleys. I believe we are currently at a new peak. See the link below:
http://books.google.com/books?id=FL9eHePo79MC&…
Just asking concerning your use of words, Royce: Does God have ideals or does he have a will (you also write ideal/will as if not sure which of both is more fitting)?
I don't want to be picky on words, but I understand "ideal" as something that is close to wishful thinking, and I don't believe in a God who is a dreamer. Maybe you use it in a different sense.
I'd prefer to use the word "will" in this context. Let me illustrate:
If we replace will by ideal then we cannot fit in the following verse without making it sound odd:
As for the MDR God makes it quite clear that He hates divorce. That's why I think "ideal" is too weak to adequately paraphrase His will. If the Lord ist "an avenger in all these things" I think this includes divorce.
Don't get me wrong, Roye, I fully agree with your post in general: When we speak of God as avenger, we also must add the Christ took God's wrath upon His shoulders, so we may find grace. And we are caklled to forgive one another and to work towards reconciliation.
Still, I think even the cross should teach us holiness with fear and trembling (Php 2:12-13). And that's why I object to the term "ideal". We should be taught to take these matters as seriously as if it were about heaven or hell.
Alexander
Interesting stuff to think about…..
Rev. Dr. Sheldon E. Williams, in his latest book, "Principled Centered Living" identifies 9 areas of our lives that we would never dream of putting at risk- marriage being one of them. He then shows exactly what can happen when we’re pressured to make even the smallest compromises “against our better judgment.” We give away personal power, create sour relationships, family life. Respect and communication come to mind when I think of this. I believe that if married couples should never put each other's feelings at risk. If couples were more caring of eachother then most marriages would be able to make it- divorce wouldn't be necessary. I speak from experience… 12 years of horrible marriage until it finally clicked for both of us.