* Ask to meet regularly — as regularly as the elders will permit
Ministers are busy (or should be). They have deadlines and commitments. They often resent time spent in meetings, especially in meetings with elders. After all, a meeting with the elders is just one more chance for the elders to interfere.
Obviously, to be in a collaborative relationship, ministers have to get over this and invite the elders to meetings. Yes, collaboration gives up some autonomy, but autonomy is not a scriptural model. We belong to each other, and elders have an obligation to serve the ministers and ministries by sharing their experience and wisdom — humbly and collaboratively.
Relationships — especially collaborative relationships — take time. There is no substitute. It’s like a marriage. You just can’t get to know someone without spending time with him. Spend as much time with the elders as possible.
* Invite the elders to lunch
One at a time, of course. And do this regularly. Spend time over a burger or breakfast and talk about whatever. Football works pretty well around here. Treat someone like a friend and he just might become a friend. Even elders need friends. Ministers sure need friends. One of the biggest reasons for minister burn out is a lack of friends. Befriend an elder. It’s entirely possible.
Now, if you eat with an elder, the conversation will doubtlessly turn to church matters. Express your opinions and encourage him to do the same. Don’t get your feelings hurt. And don’t hide your opinions. But do give him emotional room to talk. If you wear your feelings on your sleeve and tear up over every criticism, no matter how slight, you’ll never learn what he thinks. And what he thinks matters a lot. He signs your check. He approves your budget. He decides how much freedom you have in how you do ministry.
But don’t treat him as a demigod. His opinions are, of course, opinions. A good elder understands that he is not all-wise, all-knowing. Tell him what you think — tell him why you disagree — but be prepared to state your case and back it with evidence.
Understand that men who’ve come up in business or a profession grew up in a world where opinions are expressly frankly and forcefully. A used car dealer is used to having opinions, expressing his opinions, and hearing others disagree. He expects you to be respectful and honest. Indeed, honesty is a sign of respect. After all, if you can’t be in relationship with people who disagree with you, you aren’t going to be much of a minister.
"invite the elders to meetings"
I would insert the word "functional" so that this is "invite the elders to functional meetings." So much of the bad reputation of meetings is that in my experience the vast majority of meetings, including and especially church meetings, are dysfunctional. There is lots of time spent in nice discussion but accomplishing nothing.
This post fits the category of "How to manage your boss(es)".
In my old job, I was visiting one of my managers in Asia. He said something and I started laughing. I said, "You must be reading some material on how to manage your boss!" He smiled back but didn't say anything. I had an email from him when I got back to the U.S. with an article by the same title. Although I've been retired for nearly three years, he and several members of his team still email letting me know I am missed.
The point? Some elders understand the dynamics of business relationships and some quite frankly don't. However, hopefully all understand the power of friendships and the subsequent ability to be transparent when necessary.
Rich W —
Exactly. Too often ministers deal with elders by avoidance or even rebellion. I grant that there are some truly horrific elderships out there, but in a largely healthy eldership, the best solution is to deal with the elders by dealing with the elders.
I just Googled "How to manage your boss" — and found lots of excellent advice much of which would apply well to ministers and elders. I had no idea there was such an extensive body of learning in that area.