[I meant to post this yesterday, but due to the personal nature of the post, had to wait on my son to review and give permission to post.]
I’ve heard discussions and debates about the whole “nature vs. nurture” thing since grade school. And it was all very interesting and made for interesting study and conversation, but it was also all very abstract. The debate is not the same as living with the actual issue at home. It’s easy to intellectualize and argue for the “right” answers when there are no real emotional stakes involved. But when the issue hits your family, well, everything is different.
I know it shouldn’t be. The same arguments should work whether you are discussing an abstract person or your own flesh and blood, but it doesn’t really work that way, you know, not when you’re discussing your own son.
I can’t tell you how long it’s taken me to work up the courage to say this publicly. But I should start at the beginning. I’m the father of four sons. I’ve always thought of myself as a good dad. I took my boys to Alabama football games and basketball games, to raise them right. You know, to appreciate the manly things of this world, like Alabama football and Alabama basketball. I did all the right things.
But for one child of mine, well, he was never quite like the other three. It was subtle at first — easy to deny. But in hindsight, his choice of toys and choice of colors should have told us — his mother and I — that genetically, he’s not the same as me and his brothers.
He rarely wanted to wear what his mother picked out for him. He has always been very headstrong, you know. And he wore what he liked even if the other boys at school teased him — and they could be merciless. But it was always important to him that he be himself. He wouldn’t change despite the ridicule and heartache they put him through.
The girls in school were always more understanding. They didn’t care so much about such things. I think girls as a whole look past superficial identity to the person inside more than boys do. And he’s never had that much trouble getting along with girls. Not that he never had a problem with them. After all, when you’re different, you’re different. And when you make a point to dress, you know, “that way” despite the obvious social stigma, well, you’d be better be tough — and shouldn’t be surprised if life at school is tough.
And I love all my children, of course. I can’t help it. But I struggle sometimes to accept what we euphemistically call that one child’s “choice” or “lifestyle.” He’s made his own choice, and it’s his to make. I can’t choose for him. His mother reminds me that I must love him despite his choices, just as God does. After all, she says, that’s how God made him. And I guess that’s right (despite what the preachers on the radio say), but it’s hard when he’s rejected so much of what I stand for. I mean, I’m an elder at a very prominent church right here in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. People know me. So it’s hard.
You see, ever since he was tiny, he insisted on wearing orange. He regularly coordinated the orange with (dare I say it?) blue. And his favorite toys were stuffed tigers — and he had dozens of them. He even insisted that his bedroom be painted orange — long before he knew a cow from an elephant.
We thought he’d outgrow it. We thought peer pressure would show him how a young man should fit into society. We thought being a part of the UNIVERSITY Church of Christ, right next door to the UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA, would bring him to the RIGHT lifestyle choice, the one true lifestyle, the ALABAMA lifestyle.
But he made the grades and test scores (35 on the ACT) to get a free ride to that other school, and so he’s majoring in chemical engineering at Auburn. (The fact is that Auburn is the place to go for chem E.)
My hands are shaking so badly I can hardly type the words. But I’ve been told I’ll feel better if I write it all down and confess it in public. So I’m trying to cope. This is my therapy.
I could bear it so long as Auburn was in its proper place, that is, losing to Alabama. Yes, we lost 6 (5 fingers plus a thumb) in a row, but that was then. We got better, and we beat them two years running. We won a national championship, and the Copernican collegiate system was once again right — as God meant for it to be — with Alabama at the center of the universe.
And then Auburn got good. Well, some would say they bought good for $180,000. We’ll see how that goes. But they are undeniably good. They beat Alabama by one point, and they really and truly won the game. And now they’re about to wax Oregon. Oregon against Auburn is going to look like Michigan State (#1 in Big 10) vs. Alabama (#4 in SEC West). That’s right, if I have any prejudice at all, it’s against Auburn, but the rational side of me says Auburn wins. And that kills me.
But it’s not my fault. I raised him right. I’m blaming this one on genetics.
(Tyler, enjoy the game!)
LOL. Jay, I definitely feel your pain. Your story is my story, except that my "wayward" child is a girl (who also happens to be majoring in Chem E at Auburn). Small world, huh? Congrats to Tyler, the AU family and my daughter, Jenn.
Great post. Hahahaha!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't root for Alabama anytime, even if it makes the SEC look better. I just can't. All I feel when Alabama loses is love, joy, peace, patience (good things come to those who wait and cheer against bama), kindness(toward who beat them), goodness(it was good they lost), faithfulness (to Auburn), gentleness and self-control (that I didn't run out in the street and yell about it). It's a true spirit thing with me. And, so far, we've been able to raise both children in the way they should go and they have not departed from it. But I've probably just guaranteed they'll marry Bama people and then it will be a fight to see which religion the grandchildren are brought up in.
On a less important note – despite your allegiance to the dark side – I am thankful each time a blog arrives because I am truly thankful for the gift of your teaching – it is a blessing in my life.
Great one, Jay! Console yourself in the fact that /surely/ he isn't a NE Patriots fan.
…didn't _you_ have a stuffed tiger, too? Or was that Uncle David?
Wow, I actually started sweating during the first part. I though, "nobody is ever again going to listen to anything Jay has to say because he's got a gay son." Jokes on me.
Now people will just have to continue ignoring you because you are a wacky liberal. Thank goodness for that.
I love your teaching, but you led me at first down the path, not a primrose one, on this blog. I'm sure
you cleverly planed it this way, but why?
A poster wrote : " "I thought nobody is ever again going to listen to anything Jay has to say because he's got a gay son."
you're are teasin'…right? Right?
Jay, your post unnnerved me. How would a parent with a gay son or daughter react to reading this post? It could be very hurtful. I know – I keep being told I'm too sensitive…
Well, yes I was teasing, sort of. However, I imagine if Jay's son did announce he was gay, Jay WOULD lose part of his audience. That is stupid, but such is life in the CofC.
Awesome post…Like Scott said, I think you really had us going. I was wondering as I was reading how you were going to handle the "gay" situation…hahaha….I am always interested in what you have to say.
Jay,
funny!
Others,
In reaction to some-
I would imagine that Jay has ministered to folks struggling with same sex attraction. If not, since he is a shepherd, I am sure that he is prepared. Any Christian who would stop reading Jay’s blog because he is related [hypothetically] to one who is gay needs a swift kick into a Bible study.
To propose a further heresy, if Jay [hypothetically] were to say he was gay, but quit participating in the lifestyle soon after his conversion to Christianity, would his words and conversation with others have any less value? Given the problems, struggles, and sins in Corinth (1 Cor. 6:9-11), including homosexual SIN, I pray not.
Less I am taken wrong, perhaps one will not understand what I am saying unless they have starred into the eyes of a male or female, who respect the biblical message that homosexuality is SIN, and watch them cry their eyes out with a range of emotions while realizing they must stop their actions and start fighting their sinful desires.
You can’t help somebody that does not want it, but the church needs to reach out to a world filled with gay & straight casual sex, porn addiction, and many others sins that are being ignored.
Michigan State as #1 in the Big Ten? OK, I admit that we're still terrible at counting the number of teams in our conference, but which Big Ten team won their major bowl game? (O-H-I-O!) 😉
Oh yeah, I got this quote from a friend: "I now know God is an Alabama fan. He got all the Auburn fans out of state and closed the roads."
Love you all. Feel your pain, my sister, Emily who was your flower girl is flying back from Arizona today where she watched her Alma mater! So sad!
John Craton (now, there's a voice from the past!) —
I have two sons and a daughter-in-law in Boston. I can't promise that they won't get caught up in Patriot fever.
Wendy,
Actually, if you read the post carefully, I think you'll find it quite sensitive. I had it vetted by someone I consider quite expert in the feelings of the gay community before posting, by the way — not that you can ever predict people's reaction to humor. But I tried.
Cathy,
I did indeed have a stuffed tiger. His name was "Tony," and he and I ate Sugar Frosted Corn Flakes together. They were GREAAAAATTTT!
My stuffed tiger bore no resemblance whatsoever to Aubie.
Scott Shirley,
If someone wants to ignore me, any excuse will do.
Precious little Emily has crossed to the other team???!!! SAY IT AIN'T SO!!
Jay, If I was a parent struggling to come to terms with the homosexuality of one of my children, I might find the post flippant. I have a close friend in that situation (one of the ladies in my Bible Study Group – her 16 year old daughter is a lesbian and is struggling to reconcile her sexuality with her faith and sadly her faith is losing) so I guess I am over-sensitive on her behalf.
Nonetheless, your tiger love may, perhaps, have been the seed that started Tyler on this dark path, You never know! 🙂
"I have two sons and a daughter-in-law in Boston. I can't promise that they won't get caught up in Patriot fever. "
You can always hold out hope. After all, moving to Indiana did not change my allegiance from the New Orleans Saints. And even though Debbie & I both did our grad work at Indiana University, that never, EVER altered our stance as die-hard U of A fans. In fact, I converted her to Alabama … I was born this way.
Wendy,
I don't think you are being too sensitive at all, and I don't think you failed to read the article carefully enough. I was encouraged by your comment and am glad that you said something. I doubt you are the only person who read this article who was "unnerved" or saw how it could be hurtful, you are just the only one to say anything.
That was too good! I can't stop laughing. Too bad he's not a Texas fan though!
I thought the post was clever, but I, too, was afraid you were about to make a startling revelation! Since that's not the case… if you were to post such a series, I wonder how it would go?
Erin,
I posted a series a while back called The Letter to a Gay Man in the Churches of Christ (/index-under-construction/theology-church-of-christ-issues/letter-to-a-gay-man-in-the-churches-of-christ/).
I had received a lengthy letter from a gay man asking my views on the subject, and the series is my response.